Anxiety
2025/10/19
胜人者有力，自胜者强。 ——老子
The Stoic school emphasizes that a person should be able to take control of their own life. I think I really need to do that now.
I plan to pursue a graduate degree in the U.S. in Fall 2026, so I’ve started preparing my applications recently. The first step is choosing the schools. Unexpectedly, I began to feel anxious at this stage. There are several great programs—about three or four, such as UT Austin and Georgia Tech—and I really want to get into them. I can’t even imagine how happy I would be if I got admitted. The prestige of these schools would also greatly help me when looking for jobs in the future.
That night, after I had finished learning about all the schools, I lay in bed but couldn’t fall asleep. I realized that I couldn’t control whether these schools would admit me, and I wasn’t 100% confident about my chances. Judging from past admission results, the outcomes seemed quite random. In fact, it’s just like a lottery — sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t. All I can do is try to increase my chances of winning.
Looking for an internship also brings a lot of anxiety. I’ve been sending out resumes like crazy, and every hour my thoughts are interrupted by something related to internships. In the early stages of my search, my mind would almost scream in frustration after facing rejection after rejection and endless silence — you’re not going to make it, you won’t find any internship. Fortunately, I received two interview opportunities, which reminded me that I do have some strengths after all.
What I hope to achieve — and what I must achieve — is taking control of my own life. I need to bring order to my time for both internship hunting and graduate school applications. I’ll dedicate a specific time block for each: in the morning, right after starting work, I’ll focus on internship tasks — sending out resumes and checking messages (saving any new listings to handle them together later in the morning). In the afternoon, I’ll work on my graduate school applications. During the other parts of the day, I’ll make sure to work with full focus and rest with full relaxation.
Searching for internships and working on applications feels like a massive whirlpool in the ocean, pulling me in. If I can get through this storm, I will come out stronger. A good work routine and schedule are like the eye of the storm — a place where I can find calm and restore my energy.
2026/2/14
Today is February 14, 2026, and it has been four months since I wrote down the above things. So far, I have only received an offer from the University of Waterloo.1 Other universities have not sent me either an offer letter or a rejection letter.
One thing that makes me very angry is that many people have received offers from the UCSD. Among them, many come from universities that are not very strong. Some students from 211 universities received offers, but as a student from a 985 university, I still haven’t received one.2 I feel that my efforts in undergraduate study were meaningless.
2026/3/5
Well, the situation is not very good right now. I received some rejection letters from universities. Let’s wait and see what will happen.
One thing that makes me feel angry is what the admission committee does. I believe Charlie Munger’s opinion that there are many smart people in universities whose wisdom can be used in the real world. But they also do some shitty and stupid things, like admissions.
Based on my observation, the admission criteria are very unfair and unclear. They don’t value undergraduate school ranking and have a preference for overseas universities (overseas here means outside China). However, Chinese students in China usually have a better level of science and engineering than Chinese students overseas. I know there are many excellent students who are receiving their undergraduate education overseas. Sorry about that; I am not offending you. I am expressing an overall average phenomenon.
In this way, universities can’t announce that they have the best young people of their generation. There is a systematic bias. Only the real world can be the final judge.